When You Don’t ‘Feel’ Like A Christian

|Kayla Lynn|

Sometimes I don’t act very “Christian.” At times, I think it’s because of my background (being a Christian in a non-Christian home is an adventure in itself). Some days, I wonder why I succumb to temptation so readily, as though I’m hardly trying to resist it.

“For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate (Romans 7:14-15).

It’s bittersweet to hear Paul say this. I’m glad I’m not alone in my struggle, but I wish sometimes I could avoid what harms me.  Sin paints me a picture of sitting in a corner, head hung low, arms wrapped around my knees, trying to block out the noise of internal accusations.

“You failed again! You just can’t get this right! This walk just isn’t for you, I guess.”

Day in and day out, arrow after arrow is aimed at my heart and mind.  Hypocrisy is the very thing that seems to keep us from following what we actually believe. Yet being able to admit this is why I believe I truly have faith in what I believe. As someone who has experience with crippling doubt, especially in regards to my sincerity, this brings to my attention what faith and “walking the walk” is really about. It’s not a license to be a hypocrite. It’s the simple understanding of one thing we all possess: imperfection.

If I were perfect, I would not need God in my life. I’d have it all figured out. I’d know exactly what to do and when and how.  I feel as though life would not be satisfying if it were perfect. Actually, it would be rather dull.  Maybe we wouldn’t experience what we experience in our imperfect state.  Hope. Love. Acceptance. Understanding.  All very human and very real things to want and experience. Every individual’s desire is to know that what they think, feel and believe is valid; that their thoughts matter. That they matter.

Everyone has a story. And that story is the reason they live or die, believe or disbelieve, succeed or fail. If I want to see how God works in our lives, I have to accept that He allows failure. But even if God allows failure in our lives, His plans can never be frustrated.  And so I come to believe that God uses life and death, belief and disbelief, success and failure, to bring about His will.

Imperfection is often a blessing. Everything is as it should be at the end of the road because God is in charge, and He uses even the bad to bring about the good. Maybe we don’t fully understand it, but we also realise that this is completely the point. It’s not about always understanding or knowing exactly what to do.  It’s about trusting God.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).

Maybe the road to becoming like Christ is built on this. I know I believe it is.

Kayla Lynn is a college student from Oregon, USA, now living in Georgia.  She is pursuing a degree in Film studies and is interested in a career as a documentary filmmaker and writer.

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